So yesterday I got some shocking news from a colleague. OK, maybe I hadn’t expected it this soon but always knew it would eventually happen. Me being the all shitty and frustrated yesterday couldn’t cope with the news to the point of depression. I literally slept like a baby so that I didn’t have to think or worry about the known unknown.
Waking up today, still shitty and hitting the snooze button of my alarm like crazy I came to the realisation we have no control of the unknown. All we have is faith. Faith that God will see us through and create a path of success towards the unknown.
One thing though, I am not strong on faith or belief or religion. Somehow though I found this renewed strength in me to wake up, pray and face the day. I don’t know how but I just did.
I guess we all have an inner strength that works in us for the best. Not sure how to call it though. All I know is, lately I am fighting a battle with myself. A battle to understand my purpose for beinga. The only way to win this battle is with positive attitude, affirmations and faith.
Lost in a sea of my own confusion.
Maybe it is me or the world but I am lost.
Trying to figure out my life but not sure on where or how to start.
How is it easy for some people?
Why do I have to struggle so much?
What is wrong with me?
What am I not doing right?
Do I ask the wrong questions?
What should I ask?
Lost and in despair.
I am losing my mind, I am frustrated.
I want to sit down and cry but for how long?
Temperatures rising,foul moods and annoyed looks.
Today I feel shitty.Why?
Woke up with a mission to become a better version of me. Dreaming of a better me,a go getter . But instead a shittier side of me took on the day.
I lacked self-control and broke my vow. Once you commit to oneself on changing a particular bad habit then end up breaking that particular vow is the worst feeling ever. I keep giving up on myself. Denying myself the opportunity to experience my worth over and over again. Feeling lesser and lesser purposeful to whom I wish to be . A coward with lots and lots of excuses . Apart from disappointing myself I let down the people who look up to me and admire me. The feeling of self loathe eats me up and indulge in binge eating until I can’t anymore. Yet I still feel shittier . I then cry myself to sleep ,day dreaming of my “other” perfect life.
I used to wonder how one becomes depressed ,what causes one to truly hate themselves.Well now I know exactly how depression feels like and I hate it.I hate feeling useless ,lost ,heavyhearted ,choked and dead inside out.
We all have a purpose as to why we are on this earth .It will be sad dying not knowing your purpose ,not making a difference or not leaving behind your footprint; just being another statistic.
The toughest journey in one’s life for me has to be discovering and understanding oneself. Having an opportunity to fully achieve your sole purpose on earth.
I pray as I travel through life all confused and lost,I do finally find my purpose and be the best version of me. Not only to myself but the world around me.