Ever had days where you wonder what the hell am I doing with my life?? Unfortunately I am in that phase more often than i would love too. Nothing seems to be in order, nothing seems to work . It’s like I have been living in a bubble of my own doing. Unfortunately for me ,it burst way too fast before I realized my truth or so I thought. Confusing much?? Well,welcome to my world.
Sometimes ,especially when in a rut I tend to wonder how I ended up the way I am. Never had I ever imagined I had so much I needed to shout out and let out of my system. I am slowly but gradually dealing or trying my best to deal with my past so that I may have the future I so long for and Lord knows it’s been tough. Tough especially when my brain has adapted to the notion that I can’t, it wont work or never be possible. I am not good enough mentality.
After a night full of regret and disappointment ,I came to a conclusion and made a promise to me. A promise of never giving up on me.This life is not only beautiful roses ,the thorns are real and will always be part of the rose. It’s up to one to choose whether to be wrapped in the thorns or untangle and cut them off and enjoy the rose ,the smell of peace and tranquility .
Life is a journey,ups and down,good and bad ,ugly ,nasty but it all depends which angle you choose to embrace it from. I say embrace every bit. Learn and grow .Be the best version of you with every lesson .Stop regretting and overthinking on what you can’t change .
Live ,love and laugh.
Today I got feedback on a job application I did and shockingly I ain’t mad. Okay maybe a tad bit upset I didn’t manage past the second phase of the interview but am happy. I feel satisfied with the fact I did apply and got shortlisted even if it was the first round,yaay!! ,This gives me confidence. Confidence that I am good enough. I need to work on myself a little more but still good enough.
Since time in memorial I have felt like am not worth it . Not good enough to stand up on my two feet because I may be judged for being ugly or stupid or just not right. Stupid, I know. At times I still feel like that; no wait ,I still do feel shitty for not always being good enough. I am only glad at this point on my life I have met amazing human beings that see me in a different light ,friends that never fail to remind me of my good qualities( never knew I had those) , friends that always want the best for me even when I can’t really see. For this I am grateful. For this I work hard to prove to myself that indeed I can be who I wish to be.
Learning to love oneself is the biggest challenge I think exists especially if you grew up in a society that is always judgmental. A society with standards on how one should behave or act ,or have certain looks/appearances to be appreciated or even acknowledged , a society built on imposing fear on people like me. People who only seek to be loved just as they are.
Well I am learning. Learning to be who I am regardless of people’s opinions, regardless of the mean world we live in. I am learning to be me as God intended. Finding one’s purpose isn’t the easiest task but one step at a time and I will finally figure it out.
Like I said, I am finding myself in experiences and adventures.
Try and fail than never trying at all.