September 2017 was it. The month I took the leap of faith and ventured into a new world. A world of self discovery. Realizing I don’t know that I don’t know. In a room packed with strangers of all ages ,races ,background and stories. I immersed myself into the unknown ,something I
hardly actually never do. At the end of day one of the session I decided I am done.Why tap into things best left buried,emotions you never knew existed ?Day two I find myself seated eagerly , fearful but anxious to tap to the unknown. This day I had the hardest conversation with the most special person in my life. For the first time in my messed confused life , I had a real honest eye-opening conversation. The satisfaction was immense,something I really can’t explain but the best feeling ever. A huge block was lifted from my shoulder that I had no clue I was carrying. Day three and final day , I had another break through ; shockingly I had the audacity to stand in front of a room full of people and literally make meaningful thankful note to my best friend for the gift of empowerment she allowed me to tap an empowerment by itself.
To fully exercise and put in place my new-found empowerment and stay true to them I registered for more sessions ;the Action Seminar Series. I needed to explore further my “hidden” potential . Day one of sharing ,I literally spilled my guts and talked about my darkest and hardest battle and no it’s not my struggle with Sickle Cell Anaemia but rather my addiction and abuse of pethidine.
10 weeks session ,7th week in and still struggling with some issues in my life but I haven’t given up on me. It’s a slow steady process that needs a whole lot of commitment,integrity and authenticity . I finally feel good to be me in my own skin facing my battles and living life .Living in the present and acknowledging every moment no matter how good or bad it is.
Life just is,people just are.
Ever had days where you wonder what the hell am I doing with my life?? Unfortunately I am in that phase more often than i would love too. Nothing seems to be in order, nothing seems to work . It’s like I have been living in a bubble of my own doing. Unfortunately for me ,it burst way too fast before I realized my truth or so I thought. Confusing much?? Well,welcome to my world.
Sometimes ,especially when in a rut I tend to wonder how I ended up the way I am. Never had I ever imagined I had so much I needed to shout out and let out of my system. I am slowly but gradually dealing or trying my best to deal with my past so that I may have the future I so long for and Lord knows it’s been tough. Tough especially when my brain has adapted to the notion that I can’t, it wont work or never be possible. I am not good enough mentality.
After a night full of regret and disappointment ,I came to a conclusion and made a promise to me. A promise of never giving up on me.This life is not only beautiful roses ,the thorns are real and will always be part of the rose. It’s up to one to choose whether to be wrapped in the thorns or untangle and cut them off and enjoy the rose ,the smell of peace and tranquility .
Life is a journey,ups and down,good and bad ,ugly ,nasty but it all depends which angle you choose to embrace it from. I say embrace every bit. Learn and grow .Be the best version of you with every lesson .Stop regretting and overthinking on what you can’t change .
Live ,love and laugh.
So yesterday I got some shocking news from a colleague. OK, maybe I hadn’t expected it this soon but always knew it would eventually happen. Me being the all shitty and frustrated yesterday couldn’t cope with the news to the point of depression. I literally slept like a baby so that I didn’t have to think or worry about the known unknown.
Waking up today, still shitty and hitting the snooze button of my alarm like crazy I came to the realisation we have no control of the unknown. All we have is faith. Faith that God will see us through and create a path of success towards the unknown.
One thing though, I am not strong on faith or belief or religion. Somehow though I found this renewed strength in me to wake up, pray and face the day. I don’t know how but I just did.
I guess we all have an inner strength that works in us for the best. Not sure how to call it though. All I know is, lately I am fighting a battle with myself. A battle to understand my purpose for beinga. The only way to win this battle is with positive attitude, affirmations and faith.
Lost in a sea of my own confusion.
Maybe it is me or the world but I am lost.
Trying to figure out my life but not sure on where or how to start.
How is it easy for some people?
Why do I have to struggle so much?
What is wrong with me?
What am I not doing right?
Do I ask the wrong questions?
What should I ask?
Lost and in despair.
I am losing my mind, I am frustrated.
I want to sit down and cry but for how long?
Today I got feedback on a job application I did and shockingly I ain’t mad. Okay maybe a tad bit upset I didn’t manage past the second phase of the interview but am happy. I feel satisfied with the fact I did apply and got shortlisted even if it was the first round,yaay!! ,This gives me confidence. Confidence that I am good enough. I need to work on myself a little more but still good enough.
Since time in memorial I have felt like am not worth it . Not good enough to stand up on my two feet because I may be judged for being ugly or stupid or just not right. Stupid, I know. At times I still feel like that; no wait ,I still do feel shitty for not always being good enough. I am only glad at this point on my life I have met amazing human beings that see me in a different light ,friends that never fail to remind me of my good qualities( never knew I had those) , friends that always want the best for me even when I can’t really see. For this I am grateful. For this I work hard to prove to myself that indeed I can be who I wish to be.
Learning to love oneself is the biggest challenge I think exists especially if you grew up in a society that is always judgmental. A society with standards on how one should behave or act ,or have certain looks/appearances to be appreciated or even acknowledged , a society built on imposing fear on people like me. People who only seek to be loved just as they are.
Well I am learning. Learning to be who I am regardless of people’s opinions, regardless of the mean world we live in. I am learning to be me as God intended. Finding one’s purpose isn’t the easiest task but one step at a time and I will finally figure it out.
Like I said, I am finding myself in experiences and adventures.
Try and fail than never trying at all.
I am not sure where to place my emotions today. Feeling pissed off ,chocked.frustrated ,disturbed ,angry ,like screaming screw this world.
Sometimes you wish you could reverse time,go back to bed and start a day afresh .Absolutely on a different note.
What puzzles me though is how my mood changed from 0 to 100 real fast. Woke feeling relaxed ;body and mind at peace. Had a partly productive morning than suddenly things took a turn for the absolute worst ,emotionally.
Some peoples faces just irritate the crap out of me and worse is when I have to talk or they speak to me. HELP!!!!!
As I write this ,I realize that maybe my moods are an effect of my addiction to pethidine. A battle I just figured out last night I need to deal with. Reading through the web the effect of dependency on it didn’t really seem that bad. I literally thought I could definitely manage ,oh boy!!!How wrong was I.
My lack of self control and dependency is currently on a downward spiral. It is affecting my work , my social life, my academic life( Oh shit!!! I haven’t done my events management research ;this is 2 months down the line), my spiritual life ( this is totally fucked up) ,and any other sphere of my life that exists at all.
I hate my self. Totally and completely hate myself right now.
Temperatures rising,foul moods and annoyed looks.
Today I feel shitty.Why?
Woke up with a mission to become a better version of me. Dreaming of a better me,a go getter . But instead a shittier side of me took on the day.
I lacked self-control and broke my vow. Once you commit to oneself on changing a particular bad habit then end up breaking that particular vow is the worst feeling ever. I keep giving up on myself. Denying myself the opportunity to experience my worth over and over again. Feeling lesser and lesser purposeful to whom I wish to be . A coward with lots and lots of excuses . Apart from disappointing myself I let down the people who look up to me and admire me. The feeling of self loathe eats me up and indulge in binge eating until I can’t anymore. Yet I still feel shittier . I then cry myself to sleep ,day dreaming of my “other” perfect life.
I used to wonder how one becomes depressed ,what causes one to truly hate themselves.Well now I know exactly how depression feels like and I hate it.I hate feeling useless ,lost ,heavyhearted ,choked and dead inside out.
We all have a purpose as to why we are on this earth .It will be sad dying not knowing your purpose ,not making a difference or not leaving behind your footprint; just being another statistic.
The toughest journey in one’s life for me has to be discovering and understanding oneself. Having an opportunity to fully achieve your sole purpose on earth.
I pray as I travel through life all confused and lost,I do finally find my purpose and be the best version of me. Not only to myself but the world around me.