Renewed Spirits

So yesterday I got some shocking news from a colleague. OK, maybe I hadn’t expected it this soon but always knew it would eventually happen. Me being the all shitty and frustrated yesterday couldn’t cope with the news to the point of depression. I literally slept like a baby so that I didn’t have to think or worry about the known unknown. 

Waking up today, still shitty and hitting the snooze button of my alarm like crazy I came to the realisation we have no control of the unknown. All we have is faith. Faith that God will see us through and create a path of success towards the unknown. 

One thing though, I am not strong on faith or belief or religion. Somehow though I found this renewed strength in me to  wake up, pray and face the day. I don’t know how but I just did. 

I guess we all have an inner strength that works in us for the best. Not sure how to call it though. All I know is, lately I am  fighting a battle with myself. A battle to understand my purpose for beinga. The only way to win this battle is  with positive attitude, affirmations and faith. 

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My mind at the moment 

Lost in a sea of my own confusion.

Maybe it is me or the world but I am lost.

Trying to figure out my life but not sure on where or how to start.

How is it easy for some people?

Why do I have to struggle so much?

What is wrong with me?

What am I not doing right?

Do I ask the wrong questions?

What should I ask?

Lost and in despair.

I am losing my mind, I am frustrated.

I want to sit down and cry but for how long?

Positive upsets

Today I got feedback on a job application I did and shockingly I ain’t mad. Okay maybe a tad bit upset I didn’t manage past the second phase of the interview but am happy. I feel satisfied with the fact I did apply and got shortlisted even if it was the first round,yaay!!  ,This gives me confidence. Confidence that I am good enough. I need to work on myself a little more but still good enough.

Since time in memorial I have felt like am not worth it . Not good enough to stand up on my two feet because I may be judged for being ugly or stupid or just not right. Stupid, I know. At times I still feel like that; no wait ,I still do feel shitty for not always being good enough. I am only glad at this point on my life I have met amazing human beings that see me  in a different light ,friends that never fail to remind me of my good qualities( never knew I had those) , friends that always want the best for me even when I can’t really see. For this I am grateful. For this I work hard to prove to myself that indeed I can be who I wish to be.

Learning to love oneself is the biggest challenge  I think exists especially if you grew up in a society that is always judgmental. A society with standards on how one should behave or act ,or have certain looks/appearances to be appreciated or even acknowledged , a society built on imposing fear on people like me. People who only seek to be loved just as they are.

Well I am learning. Learning to be who I am regardless of people’s opinions, regardless of the mean world we live in. I am learning to be me as God intended. Finding one’s purpose isn’t the easiest task but one step at a time and I will finally figure it out.

Like I said, I am finding myself in experiences and adventures.

Try and fail than never trying at all.

 

DISTURBED AND SICK

I am not sure where to place my emotions today. Feeling pissed off ,chocked.frustrated ,disturbed ,angry ,like screaming screw this world.

Sometimes you wish you could reverse  time,go back to bed and start a day afresh .Absolutely on a different note.

What puzzles me though is how my mood changed from 0 to 100 real fast. Woke feeling relaxed ;body and mind at peace. Had a partly productive morning than suddenly things took a turn for the absolute worst ,emotionally.

Some peoples faces just irritate the crap out of me and worse is when I have to talk or they speak to me. HELP!!!!!

As I write this ,I realize that maybe my moods are an effect of my addiction to pethidine. A battle I just figured out last night I need to deal with. Reading through the web the effect of dependency on it didn’t really seem that bad. I literally thought I could definitely manage ,oh boy!!!How wrong was I.

My lack of self control and dependency is currently  on a downward spiral. It is affecting my work , my social life, my academic life( Oh shit!!! I haven’t done my events management research ;this is 2 months down the line), my spiritual life ( this is totally fucked up) ,and any other sphere of my life that exists at all.

I hate my self. Totally and completely hate myself right now.

LOST AND CONFUSED

Temperatures rising,foul moods and annoyed looks.

Today I feel shitty.Why?

Woke up with a mission to become a better version of me.  Dreaming of a better me,a go getter . But instead a shittier side of me took on the day.

I lacked self-control and broke my vow. Once you commit to oneself on changing a particular bad habit then end up breaking that particular vow is the worst feeling ever. I keep giving up on myself. Denying myself the opportunity to experience my worth over and over again. Feeling lesser and lesser purposeful to whom I wish to be . A coward with lots and lots of excuses . Apart from disappointing myself I let down the people who look up to me and admire me. The feeling of self loathe eats me up and indulge in binge eating until I can’t anymore. Yet I still feel shittier . I then cry myself to sleep ,day dreaming of my “other” perfect life.

I used to wonder how one becomes depressed ,what causes one to truly hate themselves.Well now I know exactly how depression feels like and I hate it.I hate feeling useless ,lost ,heavyhearted ,choked and dead inside out.

We all have a purpose as to why we are on this earth .It will be sad dying not knowing your purpose ,not making a difference or not leaving behind your footprint; just being another statistic.

The toughest journey in one’s life for me has to be discovering and understanding oneself. Having an opportunity to fully achieve your sole purpose on earth.

I pray as I travel through life all confused and lost,I do finally find my purpose and be the best version of me. Not only to myself but the world around me.

That Kinda Feeling

It is an amazing Friday afternoon maybe cause it’s finally the weekend or maybe because my shitty week is finally over. Shitty really???? I don’t think it was that bad.I got discharge from hospital on Monday spent the day with my brother and friend before she ventured out to a new country for a new job,yaaay!!! The sad part of the day though,she is LEAVING!!! My ride and die partner in crime,my adventurous soul mate but oh well,this is definitely not the last of us. Thank God for flights and travel.The beauty of life.

Got back to work on Tuesday ,arrgh!!! why??? I have this swollen throat/neck courtesy of the central line procedure done in hospital to help in blood transfusion and medicine administration during my admission,feeling a tad bit crappy but work is piling and scheduled meetings attendance mandatory but what the hell.That’s the life of a WARRIOR.

Wednesday wasn’t any better.The rains came pouring down, letting out its frustration on us ,soggy and tired  plus missed out on the screening of Kill Bill ,schuck!!life beats you to a pulp when it decides too but it’s never that serious. Was definitely looking forward to a new day

Thursday was cool and chilled towards the evening.I spent time with friends talking ,laughing,dancing ,getting a bit intoxicated,being controllable naughty(if this is even possible or makes sense) and got counselled in the process….a whole lot going on with my confused self.Me figuring me and struggling;guess that’s life .Made new friends;the beautiful global village we live in ,had fun doing it and plus new amazing memories in the process. Yap!!!The weekend is finally looking up.

Today,my day is feeling blessed and happy.Finally planning to attend that prolonged yoga class courtesy of my munchkin,buddy. Work is smooth and the music booming in my ears ,well,am on cloud nine.Actually my inspiration for writing the post is https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YAmxjSXQVsQ&list=RDMMb8I-7Wk_Vbc&index=19

Have a listen,maybe you too will get some inspiration.

……..That Kinda Feeling.

Lovely weekend good people ,live life ,have fun and let down your troubles at least for the weekend.